Before Asperger's and ADHD Had Names: Rethinking Family Mealtimes

For many families, mealtimes are held up as a marker of good parenting. Eating together, at set times, with balanced meals on the table. These expectations, shaped largely by neurotypical norms, have long influenced how parents judge themselves and each other.

This reflection is written with hindsight, not judgement. In the 1970s, 80s and 90s, there was little language to explain why some children struggled with food, routine, and texture. This is not a story about food. It is about inherited guilt, unseen differences, and what happens when a parent learns, slowly and imperfectly, that leaning into difference can make family life calmer and kinder.

Should We Eat as Society Expects?

My experiences will be different from other parents. I write with hindsight, not judgement. Society’s expectations were different in the 1970s, 80s and 90s when I was bringing my son and daughter up. What I see now, I didn’t recognise then. Neurodivergence wasn’t a word. I had no knowledge of Asperger’s Syndrome or ADHD.

This blog isn’t about food. It’s about inherited guilt and the unseen differences between a mum and her children.

If you’ve ever felt stressed, judged, or as though you were failing at mealtimes while everyone else seemed to manage just fine, this is for you.

Should we do as society expects and eat meals as a family at set times? We’re told that it’s good to eat together as it gives our children and ourselves time to catch up, learn good manners, and connect, but is this really the case for every family?

Single Parenting, Five Jobs, and a Full Diary

When my children were aged 8 and 4 years, I became a single parent working five jobs. I began to juggle breakfast, school runs, work, evening dinners, and clubs for both children. Dance classes, Tae Kwon Do, Cubs and Brownies were all in a day’s work.

"Like many parents, I was trying to hold everything together, home, work, routines, and expectations, and do what I believed was right for my children."

Why Breakfast Mattered So Much to Me!

Breakfast, to me, was the most important meal of the day. I needed my children to have a good, well-balanced breakfast to set them up for school and playgroup. Toast, bacon and eggs, and cereal were all on the menu. Breakfast wasn’t optional. It felt essential.

Often food would be left with excuses of “not hungry” or “not enough time to finish”. One didn’t like porridge and both were selective with cereal. Sugar Puffs and Oat Krunchies were favourites.

At the time, refusals felt personal. Looking back, I can see they were not.

Home-Cooked Dinners and “Good” Food

Dinner in the evening was, 90% of the time, home-cooked wholesome food. I cooked from scratch, meat, usually chicken, mince or beef, potatoes, rice, vegetables, and pasta. Usually something for pudding. What I considered good, proper home food.

I was following what I had been taught: nutritious food, eaten properly, at the right time.

Early Signs I Didn’t Recognise at the Time

I began to notice that my daughter would usually smell her food before each forkful and my son would separate his food. Neither of them, for example, wanted the sauce mixed through the pasta (if having spaghetti bolognese). It had to be on top.

Chicken was a bit of a nightmare. Back then, one bought whole chickens. My children only liked the white meat. My daughter would practically shred the breast to check there were no dark pieces or sinew. If she found any, she would eat no more.

The rest of the chicken went into soup and stock. I remember being genuinely relieved the first time I saw chicken breast being sold separately in the butcher’s shop. It made life so much simpler for us all.

Trying to Get It Right With Texture and Choice

I made sure I bought better cuts of meat and removed any fat or sinew, or both children would leave the food. They weren’t keen on homemade soup with lumps in it, so chunky soups were avoided.

I always thought they were fussy eaters, as many children are. My son, though, would try anything once.

What I understand now is that food isn’t just about taste, although taste matters. It’s about texture, smell, predictability, and how food feels in the mouth. That’s true for neurodivergent people and for neurotypical people too, but some children experience these sensations much more intensely.

Following Society’s Rules and the Cost of That

As the children grew and more activities were added to the day, it wasn’t always possible to eat together at a set time. Still, I believed that this was how family life should be, because it was how I had been brought up.

I was following society’s rules.

At the time, I didn’t see that this rigidity was doing my children a disservice. When meals were ready and they didn’t want to eat, or said they weren’t hungry, I felt stressed and anxious. It was important to me that they stayed healthy.

Texture became a bigger issue. Foods I had always served were suddenly rejected. The pressure I put on myself only increased.

Letting Them Choose and Letting Go Myself

I tried to do what was expected. When that didn’t work, I learned to do what worked for us. And that made everything calmer.

I decided that my son, my daughter, and I would each choose dinners on certain days, and we made weekly menus together. We took turns. We knew what we would be eating each day.

This worked far better than I expected. It saved money because I bought only what we needed. It also opened us up to new foods they had eaten at friends’ houses.

It became clear that texture played a significant role for both of them. My daughter went through a phase of only wanting minced beef dishes, lasagne, spaghetti, cottage pie, dishes she still loves today at the age of 44 years. It was the texture more than anything.

My son, on the other hand, developed a preference for processed foods. I only understood in his adult years that this was because processed food is consistent in taste, texture and appearance. He likes the predictability of knowing exactly what he will get.

That also means his diet is higher in carbohydrates and sugar, which goes against the grain for me as his mum. But he is a grown adult of 48 years and can eat whatever he chooses.

I had to learn to change too. I wasn’t brought up on a diet of processed foods and still avoid them where possible, but there is space for them in our diets when kept to a minimum.

My children’s love of sweet foods hasn’t changed, and now I understand why.

I have always baked cakes and biscuits, so my children grew up with lots of home-baked food. They also always loved a Sunday roast. These are two areas where things haven’t changed, and for that I am grateful.

Listening to Them Now as Adults

Listening to my children now, as adults aged 48 and 44, I don’t think I did so badly by feeding them all those years, even without knowing how or why food played such an important role for them and their positions on the spectrum.

My son tells me that eating the same meals at the same times each week helps him because he doesn’t get bogged down in decision-making.

My daughter likes simple food. She doesn’t want to know how a dish is made and switches off when people talk about food. She eats to live, but it has to be wholesome and preferably organic.

What I Understand Now

All my worrying when they were young was unnecessary. Both eat a good diet for their bodies. They eat when they are hungry, not according to someone else’s timetable. They are healthy, though both remain sugar-oriented.

Learning more about Asperger’s and ADHD led me to do my own research. I now understand that while sugar can worsen focus and behavioural regulation for some people, it can also provide sensory satisfaction.

All in all, I think we weathered not knowing very well.

They are now in charge of regulating their own diets, and I have learned to be less harsh on myself. Our children’s mouths and sensory systems are built differently. We weren’t being difficult. We were learning, without the language, how to live together with differences.

Until next time

SB