Looking Back at Family Holidays With Adult Insight

This blog traces a mother’s evolving understanding of her two neurodivergent children, reflecting on how holidays that once seemed difficult were, in fact, early indicators of sensory overload, masking, and the need for predictable routines for her children. From her son’s quiet retreat into handheld games to her daughter’s instinctive role as a social bridge, the story follows their journeys into adulthood, where coping strategies, burnout, and carefully chosen environments continue to shape their lives. With hindsight that what she once saw as shyness or reluctance were early signs of her children navigating a world that overwhelmed them long before any diagnosis explained why.

Holidays, Neurodivergence, and What I Learned Later in Life

For years, I thought our family holidays were simply difficult. Only later did I realise they were my children’s earliest attempts to navigate a world that overwhelmed them long before any diagnosis explained why. What follows is not just a story about travel, but a reflection on masking, energy, and the unseen coping mechanisms my son carried from childhood into adulthood.

I’m mum to two neurodiverse children (now adults) born in 1977 and ’81 respectively.

I didn’t know either was neurodivergent (Aspergers and ADHD) until they became adults. My son was diagnosed as a young adult but my daughter was only recently diagnosed with ADHD at the age of forty-two years.  

Scarborough, UK when my son began to choose his own clothing colours

I always knew something was different with my son, though as he preferred the peace and quiet of his own company, would only use certain colours, especially in clothing – blue, black, brown, grey. He developed a facial tic that my GP said would go away but suggested drastic measures to ensure this that I wasn’t prepared to undertake. With hindsight I now know how little our GPs knew back then, too. Fortunately it did go away after about 12 months. On reflection, and knowing his determination now, I tend to think he worked on removing this from his life, himself.

He struggled to make friends and be part of a larger group, much preferring to have one or two close friends with whom he felt comfortable. I didn’t see anything unusual in this but when I was trying to plan his birthday parties it was difficult for him to tell me who he would like there. He was much more comfortable with a small group of about 4 than he was with larger groups. When he was probably 10 years old we decided not to have any more. We had friends who had three children and another friend who had two children and he was comfortable being with them on his birthday. That’s what we did until he became a teenager. Everyone was comfortable and there was no need to try too hard. By this I mean we could all behave as we would normally but with the addition of a birthday cake.

Birthday parties with small groups

I tried to encourage him to join in activities with others and be part of a larger peer group. We tried different clubs and Cubs and Tae Kwon Do became two of his favourites. Maybe because the ‘pack’ wasn’t too large but big enough for him to find a couple of good friends who remained constant through their teenage years.

Also some of the activities enabled him to use his logical thinking as well as teaching practical and social skills.

The hidden challenges behind our holidays

As we often went abroad, the start of these holidays was overwhelming for my son. He found the airports fascinating places, but also made a beeline for a quiet spot where he could be alone and hidden from the crowds as much as possible. 

When we began settling into the resort, he wanted to stay in the room and not venture outside and make friends. He was happy to play games on his handheld electronic games, do logic puzzles etc. I used to worry that he wouldn’t enjoy the holiday.

My son was ok if we had booked a day trip or had hired a car to travel away from a resort and take in some of the sights but back at the hotels he just wanted his room and gadgets!

Going down to the pool was an ordeal for him in the beginning. I would try and encourage him to talk to some of the other lads that were down there, I did this from the perspective of how it hurt to see him being left out but to be honest I had no concept of how draining and overwhelming my constant encouragement was for him.

Solitude and predictability weren’t his way of avoiding things but how he regulated and recharged himself before even he understood why he was different.

These are reflections I have as my understanding of his neurodivergence became more apparent to me as I age.

Sibling Awareness and Adaptation

His sister who is four years younger was always keen to see the pool area, head out with holidays to explore the hotel, learn what was available during the day and evening for children and was very quickly making friends.

She would also meet older brothers of new friends and identify a “suitable” friend for her brother. She would take him back to our room, introduce them and we had a happy son/brother for the remainder of the holiday. She had a knack even back then for choosing lads that she knew he would be comfortable with.

Having no idea my daughter had ADHD as a child I always thought she was just a super friendly child who enjoyed belonging to as many groups as she could which enabled her to have quite an eclectic group of friends and the activities to go along with them.

Back then, when we were on holiday, she, without knowing why, and without being asked, quietly and intentionally made sure her older brother wasn’t left out. She was bridging social worlds from a very young age.

Adulthood didn’t make it easier 

Is he better able to cope with society in social and work situations as an adult? He certainly is able to attend functions with work colleagues, but rarely stays to the end. Noise can be overwhelming for him, lights, atmosphere etc.

He leads a team in challenging situations and although he fully supports them through work and sometimes personal situations, to me as an observer, I see it can lead to stress and overwhelm in his personal life.

Why the right environment matters

My son is a member of a charitable group and they hold different events, have dinner evenings, is family oriented and is a good fit for his character.

He is more able to tolerate quieter activities and social gatherings. These help reduce his need to mask in public which can lead to burnout, meltdowns, overwhelm or withdrawal. If any of these happen it can take several days before he can enter the recovery stage again and recharge.

Travel, Airports, and Sensory Management

He does still love to travel and has lived, worked and holidayed in many countries. What he doesn’t like, still, are the airports, crowds and the overwhelm that accompanies travel.

On the aircraft he needs to sit in a window seat, wear his noise‑cancellers and watch a film. Regardless of how long the flight is he really doesn't want to interact in any lengthy conversations. He has games downloaded ready to play if all else fails.

A recent, long-haul flight with him showed me how this particular resource is so important to him to maintain his equilibrium. It helps to shut out external chatter (including me at times) that isn’t necessary while he is processing so many other aspects of the airports and flights.

It’s interesting to see him and others wearing these today. When he was a young boy he used to pull the hood of his coat up over his head to shut the world out. Now he is just one in the crowd of many wearing them and doesn’t stand out.

He understands his own needs and limits and is very aware of what helps him far better than any of us did when he was younger. I think noise cancellers are a wonderful invention. Games and phones often aren’t just a luxury but tools for my son and others.  He understands his own limits in challenging situations and understands far better what he needs to make his day more comfortable at such times.

Travelling Together as Adults and Better Understanding

On our trip, we had a 7-hour stopover at a European airport. I booked us time in a lounge so he would have a quieter, safer place to decompress.

Drink and food were available on demand, and there were no problems with charging electronics, so his gadgets could still work. Quiet areas were provided if additional quiet was needed and as it has to be pre-booked it was never going to be overcrowded.

This foresight on my part, which 10 years ago I wouldn’t have thought about, allowed for a more stress-free journey. Without this downtime in a safe environment, the journey would have been very different.

Competence Seen From the Outside

I often travel alone, and I manage to navigate the airports well, but I was amazed at how much I relied on him to get us from A to B.He seemed to me to have a 360° visibility of the airports in an instant, knew gates, times etc without having to study boards too closely.

He told me later that he had studied the airport maps and terminals. This planning on his part was a vital component to help him with his internal processing.

I found it very enlightening travelling with him and having a better understanding of his needs made the experience so much easier for me and, hopefully for him.

What This Taught Me

I’m still not fully conversant with all my son’s needs but I think I’ve come a long way.

I can recognise the differences between how my son presents in public and how much energy it costs him compared to being in the safe environment of home.

I’m still learning, although I have a better understanding of how I can present options and choices to him that lessen the impact of the overwhelm he would experience with having to process things my normal way.

Adaptability is key for us parents to help make their lives easier and in the process, make it easier for us, too. 

As I reflect on the childhood of both of my children, where we didn’t have the understanding or language or diagnosis for what they were experiencing, I now understand and acknowledge that what I once felt was resistance and reluctance on their part was really them trying to navigate the world in a way that made life easier for them. 

I know the importance of adapting as a parent so they don’t have to work so hard to simply exist. 

SB